post-insomnia recovery tips

1. bang the alarm clock with a mallet.
2. get back to bed.
3. tear self away from bed, stretch a little and pretend you're awake.
4. savor coffee and chain-smoke three cigarettes in a row while making mental memo to buzz friends later for a drink.
5. stare at the air around you.
6. shower. don't skip the conditioner.
7. pick out work clothes. try different sets until you sweat. shower again, if necessary.
8. worship self in the mirror.
9. at work, check email. but this time, take time to actually correspond: with individuals, e-groups, heck, even with that african orphan who keeps spamming you, asking for your dire help in transferring his gazillions into your account because the militias in his country assasinated his parents and abducted his siblings.
10. work. or at least pretend to work. chat if you must to keep you awake. at this time, you would already feel the damn consequences of the previous night's insomnia attack weighing you down.
11. take an early lunch break. drag a trusted colleague with you in case the boss suspects. you can always tell the boss that your colleague needs a root canal and you need to hold her hand for moral support. stifle giggles. then head straight to the mall.
12. go back to work. no, wait. stop for coffee. you're going to need all that caffeine perk.
13. now, go back to work. or, write stupid, funny blogs. spam your family, friends, lovers, colleagues. not only will this keep you awake, it would actually keep you busy the entire afternoon.
14. leave office early. pretend you're sick. then head to meet friends for a drink.

"I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same."
-Keanne